Being discarded by the narcissist for new supply and watching him seemingly sailing off into the sunset as though you never existed, is truly one of the most devastating experiences imaginable.
Your life has likely been completely shattered on every level – your emotions, your health, your spirit, your sense of sanity and likely your finances. Yet, the narcissist seems to have got away with the most horrific and inhumane behavior and not only that, seems to be doing so well without you, flaunting his new supply right in front of you.
There you are barely able to function while his life seems to be going from strength to strength and is seemingly much better than when he was with you.
You wonder whether it’s all your fault after all. How can this be? Perhaps he was right, and you really are the crazy one.
Now, let’s look at what’s ACTUALLY going on. (more…)
One of the hooks of narcissistic abuse is that we can feel sorry for them or overly responsible for them.
The narcissist often has multiple personas. One of these can be the “lost, sensitive and hurting little boy.” (or girl). He may even cry and plead to be forgiven that he will go to a therapist or the behavior will never happen again and how sorry he is.
So many of us have seen that these “sensitive” episodes do not last. Very quickly the narcissistic is back to their rageful, manipulative and controlling real self and blaming you.
Even if a narcissist agrees to see a therapist it is mostly simply a tactic to keep you hooked in and they will usually seek to manipulate and control the therapist and often succeed, leaving you reeling and re-traumatized.
As empaths, we may be able to see that the narcissist is actually a broken little traumatized child under the mask. We feel sorry for them. We even think that with our love we can heal them. We can feel responsible for them and feel guilty and heartless for walking away. (more…)
Narcissistic abuse severely drains our life-force and affects us on every level; emotionally, spiritually, physically and often financially.
Our emotions are in tatters with what feels like an unfathomable cocktail of shock, denial, grief, betrayal, shame and rage that seem to spin around and around.
Our spirit feels broken as though we have been soul raped. Our physical health often suffers – CPTSD, Chronic Fatigue and hair loss are common.
As though all of this wasn’t enough, we often face financial crisis.
The extreme losses we suffer of everything dear to us leaves us devastated beyond words and wondering how we will ever recover or even how will we go on living.
I truly understand. I have been there. When I left my narcissistic marriage, I lost everything. I was married to an American and had left the UK for the USA to be with my husband. When I left my marriage, I went to Bali. (more…)
After a narcissistic relationship, we can find ourselves seeming to see narcissists everywhere. Sometimes after the experience of having an adult narcissistic relationship, we realize that we have a narcissistic parent and we suddenly see narcissism amongst our friends, acquaintances and co-workers.
The experience of narcissistic abuse wakes us up out of a trance. As we gain insight into what has happened to us, we are changed. We have heightened awareness and an increasing capacity to recognize narcissism.
This can feel very frightening. Enough to make us want to recoil and not step out of our front door! It is indeed one of the phases we go through during our recovery.
Truly, the truth is there are many narcissists out there, however there is also much goodness and kindness.
What we want to do is to become narcissist immune so that we only attract healthy people and if we come across a narcissist, their antics don’t touch us and so they simply recoil out of our space in search of someone they can penetrate.
So how do we become narcissist immune?
How do you know when you are being abused by narcissistic parents, siblings or close ones? You may have thought the abuse was normal because that was all you ever knew. And then as life progresses you go on to attract narcissistic adult relationships.
There is a horrific consequence that happens when abuse is all we have known. That is, we can find ourselves going towards our abusers rather than away from them. We have learnt to associate abuse with love. We have clung to the crumbs of “love” they have given us, and we crave it so deeply and we often do anything to get it at the detriment of our needs, our sanity and our self-respect.
We haven’t developed a sense of self and a solidity within our own selves. As children we were completely dependent on our abusers, unable to protect ourselves. We were in mere survival and we have carried this survival thinking into our relationships, unable to be a source of survival, protection, love and acceptance to ourselves.
We have all been taught that forgiveness is vital so that we can be free from the binds and hurts of the past to move forward. Truly, forgiveness is not about letting those who have hurt us off the hook or condoning their behavior, rather it is an act of compassion to ourselves and allowing ourselves the freedom of letting go.
One of the biggest gifts we can give to ourselves is to compassionately forgive ourselves, and we may often find this more difficult than forgiving others. I believe that having regrets, beating ourselves up and blaming ourselves for the way things have turned out contributes significantly to keeping us stuck in old patterns which in turn perpetuates the very experiences we don’t want to have.
So just how do we forgive people who have hurt us and also forgive ourselves? (more…)
When we have been abused or traumatized in childhood and have not had our basic needs met, we subconsciously develop a fixation on trying to get the love we didn’t have then in our adult relationships.
For example, if our father abandoned us or did not give us the love and acceptance we needed, we subconsciously spend our lives looking for someone to provide this for us. We look for someone to be the parent we did not have, hoping it will be different this time. In other words, we enter our adult relationships as a traumatized, wounded child rather than as a healthy adult, and we end up recreating our relationships and marriages through our childhood lens.
When we are viewing the world out of this lens, we are naturally attracted to people who replicate the abuse we have suffered, and they are attracted to us. We don’t even realize why we are so drawn to them, and it occurs as though we keep meeting the same abusive people time and time again, without understanding how this is happening through us. The urge is so strong to find a parent that finally loves and accepts us. (more…)
A very Happy Holiday weekend to you, I hope you are enjoying a little break and relaxation.
Thank you for all of your wonderful feedback on my last article about trauma. I am so glad it resonated with so many of you.
I would like to stay with that theme and go a little deeper.
To recap: almost all of us have experienced trauma, whether in the womb, in our childhoods and/or adulthoods and through our ancestors, our DNA and even in past lives.
We experienced a traumatic event, and the resulting trauma became wedged in our bodies. At the same time, we took on a belief or “view of the world” on that particular topic. (more…)
I want to talk about a topic that has become more and more close to my heart.
We are continually told that we need to “let go” of our limiting beliefs. We need to heal them. We need to release them. We need to transform them into beliefs that serve us so that we can manifest what we want in life, including a loving partner. Indeed, I taught this myself for a very long time myself.
I know many of you have been committed to your spiritual journey and self-development for years, making your best efforts to evolve from the pain of the past. Even the highly acclaimed Law of Attraction teaches us that if we “think” good thoughts in alignment with what we want to create, we will attract it. (more…)
I want to address something that I believe so many women and men are suffering from in silence as I have myself in the past. This is a vital message.
That is Narcissistic Abuse.
Many people do not know they are or have been in a relationship with a narcissist until it is way too late and an untold amount of damage has been done.
Firstly, it’s important to understand that Narcissism carries a whole spectrum of behaviors. There is the extreme end; people diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Sociopaths and Psychopaths. However, there is a whole range and varying degrees of narcissistic traits and behaviors within the spectrum. (more…)